toniiiiiiii

He's Here

2008-08-27T19:24:00.003+08:00

Yes. Finally, Our baby is here! His name is Ramz Daniell Flores, 3.5kg and was born last 16th of August 2006, 6.30am. I'm really not even that convinced yet that he's here. But then again, I'm an auntie!

I now have a playmate. A nephew. A toy. A gift. And a reason to make me smile each day. I can't wait until the time comes that he can talk, walk and laugh. There's just so much things that I wan't him to know and much more things that I want him to be. And the next time you wake up, he's in highschool asking me how to do his homework while playing with my own kid. *Yarggh!*

He's one of the best blessings that God ever gave us. An additional to the family that will be a reason for a difference.

And yeah, have I mentioned that HE'S SO CUTE!

We're Having a Baby

2008-08-11T18:10:00.004+08:00

Finally after 9 months he's going to be out soon. It's awesome how day by day I can feel him inside his lair swimming in there and kicking. I can't wait till he gets out. His due is actually on the 19th and day by day it just feels that he is slowly trying to make his way out. It gets even more as his due date becomes nearer.

I can't wait to take care of him and cuddle him. It gets so exciting to have a little bundle of joy wrapped around your arms. I wish I could show you his ultrasound picture but then again I don't have a scanner and it's blurry when I used a digital camera.

We haven't figured out a name for him yet. But his dad has been calling him Ramz lately, funny. Well my cousin and I have been thinking about names for the past few weeks and haven't thought of any yet. Anyways, they are the ones who's going to decide it since they're the parents.

Omigoshness, I can't wait to be an auntie.

And for updates, last saturday was DJ Edge's birthday and my friends are courteous enough to invite me. We had a night swimming and unfortunately I haven't had any pictures. I'll probably just get them from DJ Edge's camera when I get the chance. And yeah, after that we drove to 7/11 had more beers and at 4am I'm home. And ofcourse, Poldz brought me home.

Hrmmm...

2008-08-04T10:05:00.002+08:00

And I'm back. Not for long though, I'll still update when I get the chance though. Or when I feel like it. :) Anyways! Most of you know that I turned 19 last month. Thanks to those who greeted me & to those people who forgot it's fine. Here are a few pictures:

There was 2 celebrations. One was the night where most of my friends were present. Unfortunately there wasn't any good quality pictures. And one was on my exact birthday and there were only 5 of us. *pictures above*

I think that's all so far. Except the fact that I'm really pressured in my studies now. So yeah, the next few posts might be video blogs. :) Just for a change, hehehe.

Ikaw

2008-07-20T16:56:00.002+08:00

Tama. Perpekto. Masaya. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam. Pero... Ayoko. Hindi Pwede.

Tamang tama ang mga salitang iyon sa pagtukoy sa nararamdaman ko para sa iyo. Maraming salamat, at mula nung araw na pinasok na mo ang buhay ko. Ngayon ko lang ulit ito naramdaman. Totoo, masaya ako.

Bawat araw na magkausap tayo. Bawat kwento na sinasabi mo. Bawat sandali na na nakatingin ako sayo. Hindi ko mapigilan na mapangiti. At bawat minuto na nasa tabi mo ko, parang iyon na yung pinaka perpektong sandali ng buhay ko. Alam ko, kahibangan, pero maraming salamat.

21-06-2008 nagulat ako sa isang text message na narecieve ko. Hindi ko naman akalain na bigla ka na lang magttxt. At kahit dumadating na sa puntong papaputol na ang usapan, ito ay humahaba at humahaba pa rin. Hindi man ako komportable nung gabi na yun, pero natuwa ako.

23-06-2008 napag-usapan nating pumunta doon sa bahay ng isa kong kaklase na anak ng iyong pininsan. 'Maraming salamat Kim, isa ka sa mga naging dahilan.' Unang gabi na nagkasama talaga tayong dalawa, nagkwentuhan, naglabasan ng problema, at nagkagaanan ng loob. At maraming salamat sa pag-aalala mo sakin nung pauwi tayo, iningatan mo ako nung gabi na yun.

27-06-2008 magdamag tayong magkasama sa Munoz. Natutuwa ako kung pano mo ako inalagaan sa paligid natin. Hindi man iyon malaking bagay, pero natuwa ako sa mga sinabi mo. At nung pauwi tayo, alam mong pagod ako at inalalayan mo ako sa aking pagtulog.

05-06-2008 sa hindi sinasadyang pagkakataon, ikaw ang naghatid sa akin sa bahay. Salamat ulit dun, nakakahiya nga sayo, dahil hindi naman talaga dapat ikaw mapapasubo sa ganung sitwasyon. Pero hindi mo ako pinabayaan. Salamat ah.

19-07-2008 dapat tayo ang magkasama. pero nauna ako sayo at nakita ko mga kaibigan ko. Dahil din sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, natagalan ka sa pagpunta sa kinaroroonan ko. Pero masaya pa din ako, kasi nilambing mo ko. Niyakap mo ko at humingi ng pasensya sa maliit na pagkakamali na iyon. Isang buong gabi na masaya ako. Kahit hindi tayo magkasama. =)

Ilan lang yan sa mga pagkakataon na nagkakasama tayo. Unti unti man na mahulog ang loob ko sayo, ayoko. Kilala na kita noon pa. At dahil sa kasalukuyan nyong paghihiwalay ng nakaraan mo. Kahit ulit ulitin mo pang 'moved-on' ka na, alam kong hindi ka pa din handa para sa panibago. At ako rin, ayoko pa, masaya ako sa kalagayan ko.

Isa pa, magkaibigan lang naman talaga tayo. Pero... Maraming Salamat ah.

Psht!

2008-07-06T14:11:00.000+08:00

Hi Blog!

Bye Blog!

I'll see you soon. I promise. ;)

Four More Days

2008-06-26T10:44:00.002+08:00

And I'm almost 19. That's it.

The schooldays started already. It's not that tough if I choose to be lousy, not study skip classes and copy from my seatmates to pass the quizzes or exams. But then again, even if I still choose the liberated lifestyle. You can still find me sitting at my study table and writing notes for further references.

Everytime I sit here there's always something new. It'll be either if I made a new friend, I lost an old one and was disappointed by a close one everything happens so fast. I don't know if writing every detail is worth it and if it is, where should I start. Blankness.

I'll probably update again tomorrow. If I won't go out on that gig. ;)

Crossroads

2008-06-20T19:55:00.007+08:00

A blockmate/classmate/friend left us yesterday. She was the best leader we had in our class and she was the first one who left us. I know that it is not fair and we still have more things to talk about. But then again God knew that it was already her time, and that she has to go back to Him and tell our Creator how life has been down here.

It's painful to accept the truth. That when the time comes that I'm away from her casket I am not fully convinced that she left us. I didn't even know that she has been in and out of the hospital the whole summer. And what happened to her was really shocking to all of us. Especially me, who hasn't been really nice to her all the time.

As late as it may seem I'll grab this opportunity that even in this very simple way, I could tell her the things that I should have told her.

Kim, you have always been nice to me even though that there were times that I haven't been that good to you. I know that I have said a few rude things about you and I'm really sorry about it. I regret that I haven't said these to you in person and I hope that you could hear me outloud. I can still clearly remember your smiles, the way you laugh and ask about how we have been from the stories that we have opened up with you. I haven't really appreciated it that much but you are an incredible friend. Kim, thanks for being responsible. If there was no YOU as the president of our block. Major actions shouln't have been made and a greatfully thank you for that. I'll miss the times that we bonded together and hopefully when we meet at the crossroads, we'll still talk about our first year in college. Ang daya mo naman eh but I'll miss you.

First Day ng School

2008-06-16T18:42:00.005+08:00

*Bow*
Hahaha, it's really funny beacause I get really excited whenever the school starts. Even though I'm already in my 2nd year of college, my schedule is really weird and the blocks have been moved. I still find it fun. Meeting new professors/instructors, seeing new faces and ofcourse catching up with the old classmates. It's simply starting a new chapter in your book where everything in the past are just mere memories.

Nakakaexcite introduction ko diba? Pero ang saya talaga ng first day ko. And hopefully I would love the rest of the semester. It feels awesome to be reunited again with your old friends. Gagawin nyo ulit yung typical na ginagawa nyo last time then laugh at your old kalokohans.

Remember the last time when I wrote about how people change? One thing is for sure, things always do change for the better. Nagkaroon man ng huge gap noong summer but still, here we are again the same people but better. Atleast now, we knew our limitations and we knew each other better. Mas nakilala namin isa't isa and who we should trust.

Though unang subject about and hour late yung prof and she already gave us a long lecture. Tapos after that bigla kaming mapupunta sa napakainit na classroom. It's still ok. That's simply what it is to be a student. And I'm ready to start this chapter of my life.

Goodluck to us ya'll!

Yeeeeehaa!

2008-06-09T19:58:00.004+08:00

Hello! It has been a long week. I won't tell you how long it's been. I've just been busy *again* with my offline life that's why I haven't updated that much.

So here it goes.

June 3: I already enrolled for college. And I'm already hecka excited for school to start. Kasi naman nakakainip dito sa bahay, hindi din naman laging may gala. And yeah! Here's my schedule.

Mon: 7:30-12:00, Ana & Physio | 1:00-3:00, PE3 | 3:00-4:30, Nutri101
Tue: 7:30-12:00, Ana & Physio | 3:00-4:30, Nutri101
Wed: 8:00-12:00, HC1 | 1:30-3:00, PolSci1 | 3:00-4:30, Eng2
Thu: 1:30-3:00, PolSci1 | 3:00 - 4:30, Eng2 | 5:00-8:00, Heth1
Fri: 8:00-12:00, HC1

June 5,6: Eliminations ng Back to School Battle of the Bands. I was there every single night. My friends had to play in different nights and its fun to catch up with a few old faces. That's why on the first night I had to go home at 6.30am sa Caridad na ako nagpaumaga, ang kulit kasi ni Jolly.

June 7: My HS friends and I went out. Well technically, they're not really my classmates/schoolmates back in HS, its just that we got along really well during those and these days. So we went to Almon Waterpark in Sta. Rosa. It was me, Indira, Carlo, Kenneth, Hyatt, Joy and his gf Diane. Muntik na kami makarating ng 8waves kasi naman sa Gapan pa kami nakahanap ng ATM machine. Then we drank, swim and had fun. I'll miss you guys! Galera tayo ng sembreak ah!

After that hinatid nila ako sa Freedom park, eliminations pa kasi and I had to show up to Casta kasi I have his shirt. And by the way, SCARS OF NATREH made it to the finals. Kinabahan pa nga ako nung nag annouce ng winners eh, kasi last sila na binanggit. I'm so proud of them! Sana they'll get a chance to win at the finals. Goodluck to them!

Yesterday: We went to Baguio! The last time I've been there was the summer before I left for London, it was around 2003 or 2004. A lot of things has changed and it was awesome. Considering the fact that we arrived at like 8pm and it was already dark. But still! I loved everything I saw. We didn't even have time to go to different places because it's late and we only went there for their gig. Besides, we have to go home after that because Jolly and Anthony have to work the next day. So I just wandered around Session Road alone. Loka-loka nga daw ako sabi ni Andrei, at buti na lang daw hindi ako bumalik ng umiiyak.

The gig was great, it was held in Overtones and ang daming magagaling na bands ng Baguio. It was way different from what we have here in Cabanatuan, and I would definitely go back there again. I'll just post the picturea when I get it from the people who took them. I was too lazy to bring my camera eh.

Countdown!

2008-06-03T09:12:00.004+08:00

27 more days before I turn 19.
13 more days before school starts.

It's getting closer. I don't know exactly what to feel. I don't even feel that I'm growing up, I'm just getting older. It's time to be a bit more responsible and less outgoing.

A few days ago a friend told me 'Ang hina mo pala sa mga ganyan noh?' While pertaining to a heartbreaking incident that I was so strong to talk about until it was already infront of me that tears almost started falling down my cheeks. Then another friend said 'Nakakapagbigay ka ng advices sa'min pero hindi mo naman kayang gawin sa sarili mo.' And then she continued on telling me that I was awesome at telling them to stay away from the things that kept on hurting us, while I myself can't do that.

Yesterday, I was touched by Sandra's message. *She's a friend from Iceland who had a baby at practically my age.* She told me I was the only sensible person that she can talk to on her whole YM list. Then I thought, if a person sees me in that way, well maybe I can somehow be the same persom to myself.

That's when I realized, I can never be the same person to myself as I was when I am infront of my friends. That now, i need to be stronger than who I was before. That I can't continue to cry over the things that hurt me only when nobody sees me. And get myself drunk when I'm in so much pain. That maybe I haven't grown up after all. I am still the same person as I was before, I just learned how to handle it. That sooner or later I might once again fall down to that deep depression from where I was before.

... And it scares me, because just when I thought that I was doing better. I suddenly realize that I haven't even moved from the spot where I began.

An Accident

2008-05-28T23:17:00.004+08:00

I just had an accident a few hours ago. We were on our way home when a motorcycle stopped immediately at the middle of the road. Just when the tricycle that we're riding was about to overtake there was another vehicle coming towards us on the other side of the road. So the driver decided to immediately go back to its own lane then it fell over, with us inside it.

Thankful enough that I only have a few bruises and no fractures. I was the one inside it when it fell over. And we are fortunate enough that my cousin passed by the same road and he was the one who brought us back to the apartment where our 'nurse' friend aided our bruises. We even managed to eat at the nearby carinderia after it.

At that very moment, I kind of wished that the accident was more severe. That I had more bruises and maybe an arm fracture. Just to know who cares enough to immediately stop what they're doing to go to us and find out if we're fine. If who cares enough to split they're time into two just to give us/me all the care and support that we/I needed. That maybe, it will be a blessing that will change our relationship towards each other.

But then again. I had everything I expected from the people I care about. Even if it that accident just caused me a simple bruise on my arm. The simple things that they did was enough to know, that even with the recent issues that we had, they cared.

And I know that God gave us that experience so that we could learn to appreciate the people around us. Thank them for even the simplest things that they do, apologize for the things that you know you're wrong about and show them that you care. Because, who knows what might happen soon can be even worse than what happened a few hours ago.

I Miss...

2008-05-27T22:15:00.006+08:00

Joseph Marquez!

* Us, Him, Us Again and when He was a Baby.*

Yes I do! I really do. And it's too bad that he is continents away from me.

And it's awesome that he already found a job at Starbucks, London Bridge. The place is really busy but it means that he doesn't have to work with his co-filipino workers in that local coffee shop which pays him below the minimum wage. I'm really happy for him.

My Prized Possesions

2008-05-25T20:49:00.005+08:00

Them. I don't know how much I could thank them for everything that they've done for me. I won't be as strong as I am now if it weren't for them. They were the ones who spoiled me in every single way. Comforted me and cried with me. Helped me to stand up in my own two feet. Made me smile even in my worst days. Made me the best that I can be. They're simply unbelievable.

I just want to thank you guys for everything that you've done for me. For protecting me. For taking care of me. For making me happy. You just don't know how much you've done for me. You're my inspiration and the reason why I keep on going on. Without you guys, I should've been alone in the dark. I have never been this stronger. That's why I'd fight for you.

There maybe a few times that we misunderstand each other and accidentally offend each other in one way or another and I'm sorry for that. Thank you for still understanding me in my own moody ways. Even I couldn't understand myself at times. I love you both.

My prized possesions. =D

Changes

2008-05-23T16:52:00.001+08:00

Hey blog! It's been a while. I'm sorry for not updating you that much. I haven't been able to sit infront of the computer because I was always out.

Anyways, here are a few things.

MAY 18-20: It was Miggui's birthday and we celebrated his birthday 3 times. Yep, THREE times. The first one was at San Jose City where we have to stay over night because it was raining very hard and there were no buses. The second one was just a drinking session with a few of our friends. The third one was at a eat all you can restaurant then alcohol was involved afterwards.

I can't actually recall anything happened before that. I was just usually out hanging out at a friend's house then that's it.

Though, a few things changed now. A few issues have been raised then a few old cliques and us have started avoiding each other. Now, I don't know if I can be comfortable with them, on a van to Manila. I just hope it wont be that hard. I really miss them. It's really hard to cope up with changes, doesn't it?

When Reality Takes Over

2008-05-09T10:05:00.007+08:00

Last night at about past midnight, Joseph, my ex-boyfriend from London called. I was actually waiting for that call for a few weeks now because he just had an accident recently and I wanted to know how he's been. Because he started to go back to work again just a few days after the accident.

Anyways, I knew that from the tone of his voice he didn't sound that well. Then I started asking why is he so quiet and he seems so cold. I felt that he didn't want to talk about it at first because he was just giving me short details about what has been happening to him lately. Then he started really telling me how he has been, all the pressures from his work has made him stressed for this past few weeks.

He is now working at a coffee shop owned by a Filipino in Upton Park, London. And lately, his co-workers which are also Filipino hasn't been participating well with him, giving him all the jobs and not paying him well. Then everytime that a customer complains he is the one that has to take it. After an hour and thirteen minutes of talking. I came to realize how life gets even worse when you're in the real world.

And me, I worry about the simple things that I could actually live without, when a friend constanly complain on how he will live off the salary that he gets. I worry about the next location of a gig or when will I see and have fun with my friends or how will I survive a day without being bored. When someone is actually worrying about keeping his patience and survive the day trying to forget that he is not being paid well after an 8hrs shift.

After last night, I realized how lucky I was considering the fact that I can do whatever I like and want without having to worry about anything else. So when you face a tough experience, remember that life can be tougher than that. Be thankful that it isn't the worst that it can be. Reality can even get nastier than that.

Thy Pictures

2008-05-04T22:09:00.008+08:00

Ok, so here are the pictures that we've taken from Rizal. There actually shots from Miggui's phone. I forgot about that.

EJ, Rhoan and Me. While waiting for the next band's slot and eating.

EJ & Rhoan. *again* Then Graveyard's Miggui, EJ and Nino.

Miggui and EJ.

Sorry for the bad camera quality. As you know it's only taken from a camera phone.

*I have to take it off. Baka mabasa or makita ng friends ko.*

Lately...

2008-05-01T20:52:00.006+08:00

Nothing much happened really. But for the sake of updating because I'm bored, here is what happened lately.

April 29. It was Cata's birthday. *I'll post the pictures when I get them from Akiko.* We went to San Leonardo for his party then I met up with a few friends. Finally, after long weeks I saw Euiz & Cata and a few people that looked familiar to me, again. I missed going to school. I missed the hassle of catching up with the time, the busy works, (though I'm not doing most of it), then hanging out with my friends in and out of the campus.

April 30. I wasn't supposed to go anywhere but then again, we went to Lorenville to eat some spaghetti which is by the way, I cooked. Then spent some quality time with a few friends. *Kelan pa naging 'quality time' makipag asaran kila Nino, Adam & Rhoan?*

Today. Went to Lorenville again. Had a Shisha session with Adam, Rhoan & Boyong. My brother barely got off infront of the computer. He was sitting there before lunch time, when I left and when I got home. Darn, he's addicted to GTA-VC. And yeah, lastly, I had pancit canton with hard boiled egg for dinner. Yargh!

Hahahaha. That's it. Oh yeah, I don't want to put any pictures of Gian. It will just turn out that I'm madly obsessed with him coz I'm not. I'm just slightly obsessed. Kidding! Later!

Kahapon...

2008-04-27T14:21:00.005+08:00

... ng hapon.

Toni: Happy Birthday! *taps him at the back*
Adam: ... *speechless*

Nagtampo sakin? Eh nakakasama naman kasi talaga ng loob na mawala ka ng dalawang linggo na ang akala nila nasa London ka. Tapos bigla akong susulpot malalaman na biro lang pala yung lahat na yun. Pasensya na po sa mga hindi natuwa. Happy April Fool's na lang ulit.

Nagpunta kami sa Rizal kahapon ng gabi. Fiesta kasi dun tapos may pa-gig ung lolo ni Nino kaya kami nandoon. Sayang nga walang pictures kasi nga wala na kaming camera phone ni Rhoann. Pero ok lang yun, sobrang nakakaenjoy naman eh kasi madaming pagkain. Oo, pagkain. Mula sa bahay ng lolo nila Nino hanggang sa peryaan nung nagsisimula na yung gig/program o kung ano man yun may pagkain. Matapos ang ilang oras nag ingay, sayawan, *talented ang mga taga-rizal ah* at mahahabang speeches ng mga kinauukulan sa lugar na yun. Natapos din ang gabi, ay hindi umaga na pala, at ayan magbbyahe na kami pabalik ng Cabanatuan. 3am sa Jayplay. Pagbaba ng sasakyan wala pa ding umuwi. Lahat kami nandun pa pinapahinga ang masasakit naming likod at pwet.

Ay! Eto pa pala! Balitang puso. Medyo narealize yata ni Inang Kalikasan na hindi ko na pinapansin ang lovelife ko at nagcoconcentrate ako sa mga bagay na nakakapag pasaya sakin. *eh hindi naman necessary kasi ang lovelife para mabuhay ang isang tao noh?* So yun kagabi, mula ulit sa isang sobrang kakulitan ginawan ng paraan ni Inang Kalikasan na pakiligin akong muli. Napagtripan namin magsayaw ni Gian. *note: parting time yung song* At bumanat pa siya ng 'dapat sweet'. Saan ka pa? Ako naman, siyempre nahumaling, ANG GWAPO KAYA NYA! Hindi naman siguro masama na pasayin ko yung puso ko ng kahit isang gabi lang.

//EDIT

Makahanap nga ng picture ni Gian. Ilalagay ko sa mga susunod kong post para malaman nyo kung gano kahumahumaling. Hahahaha.

Happy Birthday Adam

2008-04-26T12:31:00.002+08:00

Adam para sayo, isang malaking kabaduyan. Wala kasi akong magawa kaninang umaga eh.

Ayan! Happy Birthday ulit. Kita na lang tayo mamaya.

Ang Lepestik bow

2008-04-17T20:27:00.005+08:00

Isang nakakainip na hapon naisipan ng tatlong magkakaibigan na sina Rhoan, Toni at Akiko na tumambay. At sa kadahilanang umuulan at walang ibang mapuntahan naglagi na lamang sila sa pasilyo ng tahanan nila Toni.

Tahimik ang paligid at walang ibang marinig kundi ang pagbagsak ng tubig ulan sa lupa nang biglang maisipan ni Toni na kumuha ng baraha. Sa una ay naglalaro sila ni Akiko ng pusoy dos ngunit dahil sa agad silang nainip, kanila na itong itinigil. Para maisali si Rhoan sa kanilang mumunting kasiyahan, naisipan nilang palitan ang laro ng unggoy-ungguyan. Ngunit dahil masyadong mabagal ang takbo ng laro muli nila itong itinigil.

Hanggang sa naisipan ni Toni na maglaro na lang ng 'lucky 9' at magpahiran ng lepestik. Matapos ang isang round nahirapan ang karamihan sa pagbibilang ng kanilang baraha kaya sila ay kumuha pa ng 'calculator'. At makalipas ang ilang sandali, napuno na ang kanilang mukha ng lepestik. Maliban kay Akiko, na sobrang nagnanais matalo upang malagyan ng pangalan ni Chemette ang kanyang noo. At dahil sa kabiguang ito sinulatan na lamang nya ang kanyang braso.

Pagkatapos ng nakapapagod na laro, naisipan nilang manginain. Sila ay nagtungo sa tindahan sa kanto at bumili ng Sagana at Itnok. Kanilang niluto ang Itnok habang pinapapak ang Kornik. At dahil lubusan yatang walang kasiyahan ang magkakaibigan na ito ay nagtimpla pa sila ng kape. Ay mali, 'KAAAPEEE' pala.

Matapos nun, ay nasiyahan na sila.

Narito ang ilang mga larawan:

Ang mga musmos na may lepestik sa mukha.

All For Love

2008-04-14T00:30:00.012+08:00

Struggles? This morning when I was asked if I am sure that I have accepted Christ in my life, I didn't know what to say. I was completely blank. I know that I have, I just don't want to say something especially at this state where I know that I wouldn't be able to fully commit myself to Him again. Then I came through this blog, tears slowly rolled down my eyes as I heard the song *below*. It was heart melting, considering the fact that I decided to turn away from serving Him and practically being lost among the midst of nowhere. Then it came to my senses, it was a message from God, telling me that I am lost and even though that I broke His heart, He will forgive me and take me back if only I will ask.

ALL FOR LOVE

All for love a Father gave
For only love could make a way
All for love the heavens cry
For love was crucified

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
Still You forgive if only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me

Everything I need is You
My beginning my forever
Everything I need is You
Is You!

Let me sing all for love
I will join the angel song
Ever holy is the Lord
King of glory King of all

All for love Savior prayed
Abba Father have your way
Though they dont know what they do
Let the cross draw man to You!

Hey Hey!

2008-04-09T22:01:00.003+08:00

Hahaha. Ayan nanaman ako sa titles. Wala na akong maisip na sensible ones eh. Pero ok lang yun. Just like to inform ya'll that I've linked my blogger account to tonii.co.nr para lang maavoid yung confusion and mas maging maiksi yung url. Papalitan ko na din yung header soon pag sinipag ako.

Hayy

2008-04-09T11:05:00.003+08:00

Enough said. We've had too much. My friends and I have been to so many issues this past few months. Hindi ko na nga alam kung ano nangyayari eh. Ayoko na din mainvolve sa mga bagay na yun. As much as I wanted na wag na lang pag usapan, iwasan yung issue and itigil na yung sobrang kahibangan. They still do their own thing then it messes up in the end. Hindi ko naman sila masisisi eh, may sarili silang isip and utak. May mga bagay na tama para sa kanila na para sakin wag na lang sana gawin. Yeah maybe iba din talaga perpectives ko sa kanila. Wala din naman ako magagawa if that's what they want to do. Sinasabi ko lang yung opinions ko which I think is a better thing to do.

Anyways, sana marealize nila na its worth listening and applying what you heard once in a while. Kasi nothing happens if you just push what you want to do. Baka mas lalo lang magkasakitan. It wont hurt to just settle for a while breathe deeply and think. Kasi like what I always hear, there is a right time for everything. May right time to say painful things na hindi sa heat of the moment magkakalabasan. It's all about right timing.

Hope you learned from this experience and avoid just suddenly confronting each other without thinking what you would do. Keep in mind that there are things better left unsaid and there are things that are better spoken about when you're infront of each other. And let other's opinion be they're own opinion, kasi it becomes a different thing kapag ibang tao na nagsabi.

It hurts me much to see you guys like this. I love you guys, I really do and hopefully soon we could patch things up.

Old Videos

2008-04-03T23:09:00.003+08:00

Ang vague naman ng mga title na ginagamit ko. Hahaha, hindi na yata gumagana ng maayos utak ko. Walang kasense-sense mga pinaggagawa ko. Pero naisipan ko pa din maglagay ng 2 post ngayon.

Kagabi kasi, ngbbrowse ako sa mga lumang files dito sa PC namin. Tapos nakita ko yung old pictures namin nila Potz, Carlo, Hyatt, Joy, Kevin & Kenneth then yung videos ng mga kalokohan namin sa Hunter Valley. Nakakatawa. I missed them tuloy.

Photoblog.

2008-04-03T22:34:00.003+08:00

Whew! Finally an update. After days of procrastinating. So anyways, few weeks ago I've been to Dupinga (as seen on my last post) then Pangasinan. Here are some pictures.

And as it is seen, I'm once again too lazy to upload them one by one. Which is ironic because I spend too much time infront of the computer but then again too lazy to do much stuffs.

Anyways, Mummy is coming home tomorrow then we'll find out if I'll be leaving Philippines soon or what. So, to 'My Guys' out there who were fooled by our little prank about me leaving tomorrow. I'm so sorry po! Happy April Fools! I know Rhoan and I are a day late in playing pranks, but its really touching to know how you reacted knowing that fact. Love Ya'll!

Realizations

2008-03-27T15:01:00.005+08:00

I never actually thought that they cared 'THIS' much.

Potz: You met him at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Hyatt: I agree.
---------------------------
Akiko: Kung nakikita mo lang yung mga nakikita namin.
---------------------------
Someone: Wow. Buti naman natauhan ka na.

There it goes, a whole list of everything else that people sees. I didn't even open topic about it. It just all of a sudden came out of nowhere and what a coincidence that it all happened in the same day.

Maybe they're right. Ugh, NO! They are right! Why can't I see things through their perspective? Why do I need to keep insisting myself to somebody who isn't able to give back what I need. (Namely, him...) Why do I have to just get used to the pain and the fact that we are just friends. Why can't I realize the things that Potz & Hyatt saw, that I dont deserve this.

I guess they are just looking for the right time to tell me these things. Because I tend to intentionally hurt myself when pain tries to takeover me. And maybe because, I was just too numb to see them in hecka lot of tears every time they see me hurt.

Yesterday, I realized that there are actual people that cares for me. It doesn't matter if I get to spend every single day with them. But what matters is that they remain my friends beyond everything else that we have been through this past year.

Toni: I can live without him. Yeah, because I'm living now and it's without him.
Potz: And you have US.

It's just mere infatuation. NO feelings involved. And just like how the quote goes 'a right thing at the wrong time is still wrong'... In my case, both of it is wrong.

No need for holding on...

Muchoz love!

Sa Tabing Ilog Part II: Punk Edition

2008-03-18T19:54:00.004+08:00

Ok. So hindi ako nakapag update nung last time. Eh ewan ba, malamang nung araw na yun eh tinamad nanaman ako oh kung sang lupalop nanaman ako nagsuot nung gabi kaya yun. Anyways, kung ano man yung issue kung bakit gusto ko mag update nun eh ok na. Ayoko na din alalahanin kaya magkukuwento naman ako ng masaya.

Kakagaling lang namin sa dupinga(again). Ngayon mas madami kami, tapos may nag overnight pa. Ang daming nangyari; nagkatakutan, nagkajammingan, nagkaasaran, tsaka nagkatripan. Kinabukasan, bumalik ulit kami sa ilog. Hahahaha, ayaw namin magpaawat noh? Kaya ayan, kulay uling nanaman ako. Hahahaha.

I'll post pictures later. Share ko ulit sa inyo.

Hello! :)

2008-03-09T14:12:00.004+08:00

How long has it been since I last updated this thing? Hehe. Anyways, I really tried my best to update once in a while, I've just been to lazy to do it. And now because of boredom, I decided to put up a post. And whoever is interested to read it, here it goes...

Past few months was awesome, I don't know why but at the very least I know that I'm well enough happy with currently what I have. There have been a few issues between my friends and fortunately we managed to patch things up. My school has been bad, I don't even know if I'll pass in a few subjects of mine. I'm being too irresponsible...

I'll update ASAP.

Peace ya'll!

Happy 27th Wedding Anniversary!

2007-12-18T16:17:00.000+08:00

Yes! You read it right, its my parents' 27th Wedding Anniversary today. I can't believe that they've been together for that long already. You can consider me lucky for having a family like this. One part of me is very much happy right now. Because most of the families that I have known is either the Mum & Dad have been separated or Dad has a new family or there is a half sibling involved. So far, I have none and I hope that I wont have any because I dont know how will I be able to handle it.

Again, Happy 27th Anniversary Mummy & Daddy.

Sa Tabing Ilog...

2007-12-17T09:52:00.000+08:00

Kakagaling lang namin galing sa Dupinga. At siyempre hometown yun ng Mommy ko kaya hindi na masyadong bago yung lugar. Nakakarelax, everytime kasi na pupunta kami dun kahit nung bata pa ko, lagi kami naliligo sa ilog. Madami na din childhood memories dun.

Anyways, first time kong nagpunta dun na friends lang kasama ko. Sobrang iba yung feeling kasi mas masaya (If you know me well enough, i love my friends more than anything else in this world). Nagagawa ko yung gusto kong gawin, nasasabi ko yung gusto ko sabihin tsaka mas masaya yung kulitan. Nakakatawa nga eh kasi sa sobrang kaaliwan namin ginabi na kami ng uwi. Na flat pa ung tire nung sinakyan namin kaya nagtagal pa kaming lalo.

Eto yung pictures oh.

UPDATE!

2007-12-14T08:02:00.000+08:00

So here I am again. Back into blogging, though not much people are reading my posts. But oh well, its not about that. Its when you look back on how you see things few years back in your life. My past few posts didn't make any sense so here I am again trying to start over again.

The other day we were at an internet cafe in San Leonardo then I just started reminiscing about my past posts then told my friends the stories behind it. Then I thought, this is actually like my blank book where I write my daily stories, how I think about things, my perspective in life and how I grow.

And when I think about growth this comes in my mind.

And so there is goes, another ending. But then again, another beggining.

Take your weakness as your strength. Laugh at your anger. Smile when you feel like crying. Becaus life will constantly hurt you, but prove them that it will never beat you.

Just hold on. Keep breathing. Its all about how you handle it.

We filipinos are known for unending text quotes. And I, myself, am inspired by them I live by them and I end up making up long posts like this to reflect on it.

Not very long ago, I've been in a situation where I nearly drowned myself into alcohol, overdosed sleeping pills and attempted suicide. I've been depressed for nearly 4 months and it didn't help me. What I've learned through it, no matter how the world crumbles over you. Its all about how you handle the situation and how you help yourself. No matter how many friends comfort u, spoils you and lifts you up. It doesn't matter. Because at the end of the day, its all about you, you are the one in charge in your own life.

So like what I always say to myself whenever someone hurts me:

Close your eyes, breathe in. Relax and smile. It's just a problem, don't let it ruin you.

Exam Week: OVER!

2007-10-21T09:01:00.000+08:00

Finals are finally over. Results ain't that good but its fine with me. Atleast I'm over these things! Yey! Uhm, actually I have one more thing to do the retake in our Math exams and my CE midterms. And that's it!

Anyways, last friday was (i was about to type hecka again!) really tiring. I went off to school at like 12.30pm then took the last few extra exams that our teachers gave then went to NEUST for that group singing practice. We practiced till late then I slept over at a friend's house (well I didn't actually sleep uhm more of stayed over night) then that's it! Sun's shining got to prepare for that activity thing in NSTP.

Yargh! I still got more things to do next week because I haven't taken my midterms exams in CE yet, then we have this retake on Algebra on Monday. Ciao! Got more sleeping to do.

Road Trip! again

2007-10-06T06:38:00.000+08:00

I'm heading of to Moncada right now. I'll post some pictures later.

*I keep on saying that I'm going to Pampanga when actually Moncada is in Tarlac. Blaaaah! *

And Once Again...

2007-09-30T18:42:00.000+08:00

Hello very few people that reads my blog. Time for some update. =D

To be honest, I haven't been busy lately, I was just too lazy to go on the internet. Anyways, these past few weeks/months a lot of things has happened. And again I'm too lazy to type it one by one. So from now on, I'll do my best to update everytime I go online.

Let's reflect.

Danica sent me this quote:

We are products of the past. But we don't have to be prosoners of it.

Yesterday morning when I was preparing for church I doubted if I should go or not. Because I haven't been showing much of me since the school started and I have been doing things that isn't to be proud of. Anyways, I still came and it was worth it. I felt relieved and happy, and surely I'll be back on my feet one of these days.

Any relation to the quote? You don't have to live with the past. It has been a cliche that the only thing thst's constant is change. So there is always a room for chances and to start over again. It just takes time.

For the past years that I've been living I shamed myself not only once, I have done things that could've destroyed me. But never did I let that get over me, I always told myself that I'll make a difference and people will see how much I've changed, how much I've grown and that I'm way better than before.

Back

2007-08-20T10:26:00.000+08:00

I haven't been updating for a while and I kinda lost track in what I should blog. There are tons of things that has been going on and our PC has been in and out of the repair shop. But I'll try my best to be on track and keep this blog running again.

ANYWAYSS!

Last week, my first ever 'bagyo' since I came home. After three long years of being away nawalan nanaman ako ng pasok dahil sa bagyo. And as always natuwa naman ako, ang babaw kasi ng kaligayahan ko. Lahat ng bagay na sobrang common na namiss ko for the past three years sobrang kinasasabikan ko ngayon, pati pagsakay sa jeep.

August 18 - Acquiantane Party ng college namin. We didn't even bother going because we had other things planned out. We spent the night at Nery's Resort and it was hecka fun. Too bad walang pictures, we were too busy driving from Nery's to WU-P and vice versa kasi.

Today - No classes for some reason. I don't even have an idea what it is. Punta kami sa bahay ng friend ko sa San Leonardo and spend the rest of the afternoon there. Kanina tinatanong ako ni Joe if I want to watch a movie with him, pero hindi pwede eh. Di ko naman pwedeng bigla na lang iwanan yung friends ko. I'll update later.

*Joe is one of my closest friend at the moment. We just became close because I had been helping him get over a few things.

I'm Legal

2007-07-04T21:48:00.000+08:00

Im BACCKKK!!!

Just a few days ago, I turned 18. And just like every girls dream on their 18th birthday I celebrated my debut. It was held at La Parilla Hotel and it was awesome. It may be not as perfect as I imagined it, but it was the best experience ever.

I'll put up some pictures coz I just came home then immediately updated my layout for a new look. Anyways... Laterr!

DNYI Survival Camp

2007-05-12T20:04:00.000+08:00

Update! Yay, I'm back for the very very few people tha visits my blog. Anyways, I've been busy for the past few weeks with the Camp and the VBS stuffs at church and next week! Dingalan naman!

Anyways, we just came from Cananaoan, Pampanga 2 weeks ago. We had a 3day summer survival camp, the place was awesome and was really close to environment. Think bout it, no power supply, drinking water should be brought from the nearest town below the mountains, limited sleeping space and being close to the natives! The perfect time to get away from the stress and pressure that the city brings and ofcourse for fellowship.

It felt so great to once again be with them. My family, the people I grew up with and shared half of my life with. And to think that this may be the last time that I will be with them and the next time might be in another 3 to 5 years makes me not want to leave the place. So I took every single picture that I can!

"The truth will set you free" - Ptr. Ezra Paclibar

When he quoted that line, I didn't really pay much attention to it. But when he told us to look deeply into it and understand what is the 'truth' then you will know what he is talking about. The truth is the Bible, the word of God and the lies are all the worldly things around us. As teenagers we tend to doubt the fact that God really exists and then turn our backs from Him then live our lives enjoying the earthly and negative things that Satan shows us. But once that you find out the truth that God really exists you will feel freedom from your heart and a peace of mind that is very fulfilling.

Get close to Him. And surrender your life to Him.

Summer Fun!

2007-05-06T18:20:00.000+08:00

Here are the pics that I was talking about on my last post:

5.30am at a gotohan near freedom park.

about 2.00am at Select

10.00pm at bar88, sidestrip

Anyways, more gimik talk. Last night was Rock! Cabanatuan a trilogy concert held at Side Strip. It wasn't really planned and actually was cancelled but still we were a huge group that night. I didn't really want to go, since I was really broke but Kevin paid the tickets for me. So it was really worth it. (Thanks tol')

My cousin also played as frontact that night. Hah! Syempre ang pinsan na sobrang ingay full support sa kanya and with the help of Jennica ofcourse. We were screaming all the time they were playing and Jennica was asking for some autographs from him. Haha, I enjoyed that.

Typecast, Urbandub & Ambassador was there. I really have no idea who they were, but I heard Typecast in Justine's myspace profile before. So yeah, they are famous and, a band named Eyescream too.

Btw, here are some pics from last night:

The ticket! Hah!

Us with Epoy the vocals of Eyescream.

Indira and I.

Eyescream!!

Potz, Kevin & Me

A Graveyard Love Affair (my cousin is the one at the drums)

After the concert we stayed at our house from 3.30am till the sun rised again! Just hanging around chit chatting and feeling lazy to home.

One Wednesday Evening

2007-04-28T14:42:00.000+08:00

Nakakatawa nung Wednesday, considering the fact na hindi ko pa naman masyadong ka close yung mga taong nakasama ko that night. Pero iba yung feeling, sobrang comfortable ako na kasama sila.

Anyways! Nagpunta kami sa side strip sa Bar 88 to be exact haha. Tamang dramahan sa lovelife tapos bulgaran. Pagkatapos nun nag brown out eh kaya dumiretso kami sa Select ( sa mga hindi nakakaalam kung ano yun, ung shop ng Shell na gasoline station ) eh mga 11.30 na yata kami nakapunta sa Select kaya inabot kami ng hanggang mga 2.30am dun. Tapos hinatid namin si Indira & Joy pagkahatid sa kanya, dapat didiretso kami sa d'Fourth eh sarado na kaya bumalik kami sa Select (ULI!) mga 3.30 am na siguro kami nakabalik. Eh di tambay uli, tamang inuman tamang kwentuhan hanggang sa umabot na kami ng mga 5am dun. Punta kami sa gotohan, breakfast kami. Tapos hinatid si Hyatt.

Mga 8.30am na yata ako nakauwi. Sobrang takot ako nun, kasi galit na si Kuya sakin. Per its all worth it! I'll post some pictures later when I get them from Hyatt.

Rebuilding Ourselves

2007-04-24T14:16:00.001+08:00

Before we ask God for the things that we need to make our lives better. We should first ask for the forgiveness of our sins and stop living the sinful life.

This is what Ptr. Cryz preached last Sunday. I'm not really that good on reflecting on quotes but I'll try my best on this one.

We could never deny that every single one of us has committed sins. And it proves the point that nobody is really perfect. We as Christians ask God for help in our lives, we ask for things that we need and what we think will make us better; but as human beings we commit sins, whether we like it or not. And from the quote above the point is very straight forward; before we ask God for anything else we should straighten up ourselves first. Put it this way, who would turn up for a job interview on jeans and trainers? We could never stop committing sins (especially as teenagers) because in every single day of our life we face temptations. But we should learn how to say no and resist ourselves because at the end of the day it is us who will harvest in our acts. And once that your life is all settled the rest will fall on the right place.

Many of you do not know that I grew up in going to the church. I spend at least 3 days a week there and the rest of he week is spent with my Co-NYIs (Nazarene Youth International) that is my social life. And it really feels like home to be with them since they really became my family considering the fact that both my parents worked abroad since I was little.

Anyways, the rest of our sunday afternoon was spent pigging out on slurpee at 7/11. It was so hot so we decided to have some slurpee we bought the largest one and thought that it's gonna be enough. But after finishing the first one we craved for some more, so we bought another round of the largest one. Then we went to the mall walked around came back to the church practiced a few songs. Then went back to 7/11 and bought another round of slurpee. Hahaha, I literally had 2liters of that drink in a day.

San Fran Baby!

2007-04-12T22:27:00.000+08:00

Hey! I'm back, actually I've been here since 10th of April and since then I've been itching to update this blog I was just too lazy (and not tired) to do it.

Anyways! San Francisco was awesome! I love the place, the weather and everything else. Wanna see some pictures? Click the links below.

At San Francisco

Discovery Kingdom, Vallejo

Kuya Lloyds Wedding

Photoblog :)

2007-03-27T06:57:00.000+08:00

I haven't got anything sensible to post. So instead I played around with some photos. I took these a few hours ago. He doesn't like his picture taken so I stole it.

PICTURES REMOVED

(Marquez! ayan na ah. )

And yeah btw, I got a new haircut last Sunday.

Love it.

This Time, It's for Real

2007-03-18T06:09:00.001+08:00

Yes it is. I heard my parents speaking to each other this morning. I heard them say that they are going to send me back on the 13th of April considering that I'll be home from America on the 10th. Which means I only have a day or two to say goodbye to my friends. They actually did that on purpose so I won't be able to enjoy my last few days with the best people that I had.

I really used to want this, to go home start over and just leave everything behind here. The bad memories, the nostalgia and everything else that made me feel so lonely and shattered. But then again a part of me thought, that I haven't been with my old friends for nearly three years. I haven't spoken with them except for simple 'hi' 'hello' and 'how are you' once in a while. A lot of things have changed for the past few years and I don't even know if I will be able to cope up with those changes. When I decided that I wanted to go home I was so sure, because I was bitter and in pain and thought that only those people that I know and trusted will be the ones that can help and understand me. Forgetting the fact that, I made a bunch of new friends that I can trust and run to and now, it really hurts that I have to leave them.

And now, when everything I wanted is near to me. It just seemed not right, I just want to take it all back.

Reason, Season, Lifetime.

2007-03-12T06:45:00.000+08:00

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes, they walk away. Sometimes, they act up and force you to take a stand. Sometimes, they die. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Your need has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

I grabbed this one from Xyla's blog found it really inspiring. It explains why people come and go. And if you read through it and reflect on it you will know and understand how to appreciate every single person that comes into your life.

REASON ~ It is the part that really struck me the most, I'm sure that all of us can relate into a situation where someone comes into your life and just suddenly loses them without knowing why. And it hurts so much that no matter how hard you fight for it, you cannot have the relationship that you had with that certain person back. I finally understood why sometimes life can be so unfair, that you had to lose someone you really care about and that you got to have your heart broken. But then again as it is said on the last line of that paragraph 'We must realize that our needs have been met, our desire fulfilled and their work is done.' and be thankful that even for a short time they came and stepped into our lives but changed it forever.

When people come into our life we do not know what their purpose is neither do we know if they are only going to stay for a reason, a season or a lifetime. All we have to do is learn to appreciate and make the most out of the time that we share with them. Tell them how much you care and be the person that they will remember, because we never know it may be the last time that we will see them. Have fun and laugh, and keep the memories in your heart as those are the things that will make you a better person now and in the future.

Alin ba ang tama?

2007-03-05T09:32:00.000+08:00

May bagay na gumugulo sa isipan ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin. Kukunin bang muli kahit na ang bagay na ito ang sumira sa kalahati ng katauhan ko o mananatili na lamang ba ako kung nasaan ako ngayon?

Matagal ko ng gusto ito. Pinangarap ko ng ilang taon. Ngayon heto na sya sa harapan ko, kaylangan ko na lamang hawakan at gawing akin. Pero may mga bumabagabag sa aking isip.

Dapat ba akong magtiwala muli? Pagsisisihan ko ba kapag hindi? Masyado pa bang maaga? Tama ba? Ang daming tanong, ginugulo lamang ako.

"Hindi ko pinipigilan ang sarili kong gawin kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Dahil ang pinagsisisihan natin hindi yung mga bagay na ginawa natin. Kung hindi yung mga bagay na hindi natin ginawa."

Hindi ko tuloy mapanindigan ang sarili ko ngayon. Nung sinabi ko yang mga bagay na yan kagabi, para bang siguradong sigurado ako sa sarili ko. Pero hindi pala. Dahil gustong-gusto ko ito. Alam ko na magiging masaya ako. Ngunit, natatakot ako na magtiwalang muli. At baka may masaktan lamang dahil isang desisyon na napaghandaan ko na ng matagal, isang desisyon na maaaring makakasakit lamang kapag kinuha ko ito.

Gusto kong kunin. Pero tama ba? Baka may masaktan lamang. Ano ang dapat kong gawin?

I am Happy

2007-03-02T06:14:00.000+08:00

Yes I am! Better things are about to come my way, I can clearly see it. I'm finally getting used to the new things that came to my life and learned to appreciate it after locking myself up in this tiny room for the past few months. Once and for all I've woken up from my nightmare, stood up on my two feet with my head up high and said 'I'll be fine.' All thanks to my very supportive friends who were there to help me pick myself up, glue them together and hold them until they are dry.

My prayers did not exactly go the way they were supposed to be. But God Almighty is really great for giving me a better choice in my life and giving me the best people that I can cling to. I may not have been the best christian but He still saw me as His daughter even though I was slowly turning my back from Him.

For the past few days I just felt so great. To be honest, there were things that I did that I wasn't proud of, but sometimes the wrong things that you do in your life becomes the door a brighter light ahead of you.

I Found My Lucas Scott

2007-02-16T02:27:00.000+08:00

If you watch One Tree Hill you definitely know what I'm talking about. Anyways, Lucas Scott (Chad Michael Murray) has this role of saving Peyton's (Hilarie Burton) life, emotionally that is. Before they dated, whenever Peyton needs someone to hang on to Lucas is always there for her. He always finds a way to save her on her darkest days.

How is this related to me? I have this great friend who also saves my life. We met two years ago but we never had gotten really close until recently. I actually used to hate him. But now everything just changed between us. Whenever I needed someone to make me laugh, he was just always there. He was the one true person that never got tired of me. He teases me on my dramas so that I will just laugh about it, he's there when I'm crying and never left me all alone. He was the one who gave the best advices and the one who showed me that there is still a brigher side. And just like Lucas, he always finds a way to save me, whenever I needed it.

It feels good to have this one person in your life that saves you from all your trouble. A kind of person that never get tired of just being there and asks for nothing in return. A one true person in your life that makes you happy, the only person you can be completely honest with. A one true person that you can call a friend. A best friend.

And by the way, even though I don't have a boyfriend I had the best valentines day ever. Hanging out at his place, eating take-away chicken and baby sitting his nephew. It maybe not a fairytale valentine, but spending it with a friend you truly care about, it's all I can ask for.

Btw, here's a sneak peak on what we did yesterday:

Joshua watching South Park (The Movie) on my iPod. (tsk tsk bad baby sitters allowing a 2yr old boy watch cartoons with foul languages. haha.)

Biglaan

2007-02-13T23:02:00.000+08:00

May different stages daw on how to accept a loss. Sa`kin parang napagdaanan ko na lahat. Pero kahit isang hakbang hindi pa din ako nakakausad. 3 buwan na nakakalipas, pero eto pa din ako nakakulong, nagmumukmok, umiiyak at nasasaktan. Parang yung sugat imbis na gumaling lalong lumalalim. (aba! rhyme pah) Inggit na inggit ako sa kanya, kasi sya nakakapgsaya ng walang iniisip. Pero ako, lalabas ako magpapakasaya kasama yung mga dati kong kaibigan, pero pagkatapos hahanapin ko sya. ayan nanaman, tutulo na ang mga luha.

Pagkatapos nun, mawawalan ako ng gana, ikukulong ko nanaman sarili ko sa loob ng bahay. At yun! Balik nanaman sa umpisa. Para akong tanga. Ay hindi, tanga na talaga. Hindi ko alam bakit hanggang ngayon, tatlong buwan na yung nakalipas, umaasa pa din ako na babalik sya, na isang araw, kakatok sya sa pintuan namin, nakangiti at sasabihin nya na magiging maayos na uli ang lahat.

Lahat na ng klase ng kasabihan na pwede kong marinig na narinig ko na. Para lang patatagin ako, para lang paniwalain ko sarili ko na meron pa. SINO NILOLOKO KO?! Sarili ko... Kasi bulag na bulag ako sa katotohanan. Pikit mata akong umaasa na babalik pa sya kahit siya na mismo ang nagtulak at nagtaboy sa akin.

Isa na lang ang hiling ko. Sabihin nya sakin kung bakit. Gusto ko malaman yung totoong dahilan bakit lahat lahat bigla na lang nagbago.

(Hay.. ayan ka nanaman Antonette, nagddrama ka nanaman. Ano ba dapat mong gawin, para tumigil ka na at bumangon ka na jan sa hukay mo.)

Snowowow!

2007-02-09T05:58:00.000+08:00

Snowfall!

I haven't had any sleep yet I was just watching movies all night. It's really annoying because I haven't had any goodnight sleep for the past 7 weeks. I usually sleep at 4 or 5am or even worse not sleep at all.

Anyways, when my Mom woke up I looked through the window. And there it was the heaviest snowfall that London has for years. I had plans today but changed my mind not to go. It seems weird taking pictures on the snow with Joseph since he's not really that type of cheesy person. So Instead of spending the day in Upton Park I just did this.

Sat by the window and thought about weird things. Hay, life can be so depressing when you're out here.

Boredom Kills

2007-02-03T21:17:00.000+08:00

Arghh. I hate this. I have nothing else to do, Sit at home watch tv, go online, talk to Joseph for like 5 minutes then watch Friends (good thing they have 10 seasons, so I don't get bored watching them over and over again) wait for the new episodes of One Tree Hill, The OC and Heroes. now I'm thinking about including Charmed into my long long list of TV Series. AHHHH! I can't wait until it's April or at the very least March. It seems like years from now. I just want to get out of this place be with my old friends again. The people who I grew up with, the people who knew me since I was little, the people who were there for me and saw me at my best and at my worst. The people who know me well to understand how I'm feeling right now, the people who are willing to stop their world just to support me.

Each day I see myself at my very worst (physically & emotionally): my hair all messed up, my pale face and the dark circles under my eyes. Then I'll miss dressing up, going out and having fun. I want to go out, but where do I go? Everyone is busy, everyone has their own lives and they wont stop their world just to be with me. I feel so alone, it sucks to be alone.

I can't wait for that day where I'll be with the people I trust the most, the people who know me, the people who understands me. I can't wait to wake up and realise that I'm not alone anymore, I don't have to talk to myself anymore, I don't have to watch Friends just to pass my time and I don't have to cry alone. I CANT WAIT... to have that hapiness once again that you can't explain.

Excited Enough?

2007-01-30T07:47:00.000+08:00

Hey blog how have you been? I haven't updated for quite a while now and I don't know why. I'm REALLY not busy, because all of you know that I am unemployed and I dropped out of college due to depression. But enough of that! Let's look at the bright side of things.

I just came from an interview for my US visa and I got accepted! Yay! The 4hr queue was really really worth it. Finally, I can visit my bestfriend whom I haven't seen for nearly 6 years now. I'll see my cousins again, be in Kuya Lloyd's wedding and if things go well by mid-April I'll be heading back home to the Philippines. And if I'm really lucky, I'll find a good enough college for me to start my studies again, all that is left to do is to get my parents to trust me again.

But still, from now till then my calendar is completely blank. I haven't got any other plans but stay home and as much as possible keep my mind away from things that will remind me of "him" or else it's going to be another long week of crying and drinking. It's really not that easy if he's just a few minutes away from you and everything around you connects to him. (And I just said enought about these things. Ugh! I hate myself when I do this.)

Ok, before I get carried away and write more stuff about me being so alone and so miserable I'll stop now...

Para kay Bon

2007-01-14T11:52:00.000+08:00

Thank you.

Thank you for everything that you have done for me. Thank you for hurting me and making me feel like hell. Thank you for showing me what love is, and how badly it can hurt. Thank you for making me realize that no matter how much I loved you, you still didn't care. Thank you for loving me and leaving me empty and shattered.

Sorry.

Sorry for loving you so hard, it made you leave me. Sorry for taking care of you real well. Sorry for thinking that you will never leave me. Sorry for the things I can't do to make you happy. Sorry for not making you happy, but I did all that I could. Sorry for loving you more than I love myself. Sorry for losing everything I had. Sorry for being happy by your side. Sorry for building my whole life with you.

I love you.

I love you more than I thought I possibly could. I love you even though you didn't care and still don't. I loved you then, and I love you up to know. I love you even though it kills me seeing you with somebody. I love you and I just want you to be happy even if it's not with me. I love you and if ever things didn't work out for you, please come back to me. I love you and I'll wait for you. I love you and I still want to build my future with you. I love you.

Live. Love. Laugh.

2007-01-13T03:12:00.000+08:00

As pathetic as it may sound. I still expect something from him. I still don't believe that he just threw everything away. Yes, the world may give me no damn reason to hold on and believe in what I feel but for now, that's what keeps me alive and that's what keeps me strong. I miss him, every single minute of each day and I crave for him. And still, I wait for that doorbell to ring and once again see him smiling back at me telling me that everything is going to be okay now.

People may not really see it, but I really wanted to move on. If you only know how much I hate myself from feeling those feelings that I wrote above. If there is only a book or even an instructional guide that would teach me step by step how to move on and what should I do, I won't care if it's as thick as Encyclopedia Brittanica or if you triple the NCLEX review book. I would be more than glad to read and learn it. Because right now, I could not even depend on myself. Everytime I walk out of our door, I find myself in random shops buying tons of pills and vodka or even worse, outside the his workplace staring at him from afar. :(

I'm not trying to kill/hurt myself because of him. I clearly know that it's not worth it. You guys made me realise that. I hurt myself because when I'm unconscious my I feel numb, I don't feel a thing and that's what I want. I'm too tired of crying, too tired of the heartache, too tired of figuring out what the real reason why my fish just jumped back into the sea and swam away, too tired trying to accept the truth.

I want to be better but I don't know where to start. Everytime I try to walk to that road, no matter which path I take, it all leads back to him. My world is so small, and it revolves around him.

Fishes in the Sea?

2007-01-08T07:13:00.000+08:00

I was never the type of person that quotes songs who truly and deeply relates to it. It's just been lately that I have been so cheesy/mushy and all that stuff. *Sighs* Things you do when you're crazy in love. I just realise how pathetic I have been but don't feel sorry nor regret the things I have done. It's all because I have only done it for one reason "to fight and prove my love for him". But unfortunately, those things made him move even further away and made me shatter even more.

Yeah, people say that there are many fishes in the sea and I can find someone more special and deserving than him. But what if you found the special one already you just didn't hold on tight and let it slip? What will you do? No matter how many fishes you catch and find you will still look for that special one even if it means searching the all the bodies of water that exists in the earth. And just hope that one day, after circling the earth countless times you will soon find that fish and be happy again.

As for me, I'll continue my search and put my hopes up that one day I'll see that fish and be happy being close to him again even though somebody else has caught him.

Shamrock, Sana

Sana'y hindi ipagkait sa akin ang sandali
Na masilayan ka at marinig man lang ang tinig
Laging bukas ang puso ko upang ibigin ka
Laging wagas ang aking pagtingin at aking pagsinta

Pinipilit mang pigilin na ika'y aking ibigin
Wala na yatang magagawa

01.01.07

2007-01-04T08:47:00.000+08:00

Nakita ko siya
May kasama
Dala gamit nya
Nasaktan ako

Nakita nya ako
Ang sama ng tingin nya
Dumaan lang siya sa harap ko
Galit pa din, dahil nandun ako
Nasaktan ako

Hinabol ko siya
Sinubukan kausapin
Ang tigas niya
Ang sakit ng tingin nya
Ang sakit ng salita nya
Tinaboy nya lang uli ako

Gusto ko magalit
Pero hindi ko kaya
Gusto ko magwala
Pero wala akong karapatan
Ako yung may kasalanan
Mahal ko lang siya
Mahal na mahal

Pero nung gabing yun
Nakita ko siya
'MAY KASAMA'
Mukhang masaya
Bago nya ako nakita
Bago ako magmakaawa
Na baka meron pa.

Para Sa'yo

2006-12-24T05:44:00.000+08:00

Somethings are just too beautiful to let go.

Tiredness, haiz.

2006-12-18T06:58:00.000+08:00

ok so i`m a nerd coz i update my blog like every single day. also, i`m lifeless because there`s nothing else i do in my life but just sit here all day. because everyday there`s like a new feeling that grows inside me and i`m itching to get it out of my system. it`s painful but also at the same time it`s such a relief. painful in a way that i don`t get to spend each moment with him and just the thought of not sharing the rest of my life with him kills me. relief, because i know that he is happy now, he has a brighter future ahead of him and he can concentrate on his plans without "me" bothering him. i don`t care about anything else right now but his happiness, he`s been hurt so much when he was with me and he doesn`t need more. if i have to be the one to suffer and bleed for him I WILL BE GLAD TO DO IT. he made me happy for one whole year and the pain that i`m feeling right now is nothing compared to what i gave him.

" I don't care if I'll be left alone... I'll be happy when he finds happiness, when he finds love... Even if it means i have to step away from his life... I'll love him but I will not wait for anything in return, just to love someone is enough... "

I may have to let him go...
But I`ll never let go of my love for him...

Someday

2006-12-17T00:56:00.001+08:00

Co’z someday, someones gonna love me

The way, I want you to need me

Someday, someone`s gonna take your place

One day I’ll forget about you

You’ll see, I won’t even miss you

Someday, someday

- Someday, Nina -

-----------------------------------------------------

Sam`s right, there`s a right time for everything. And maybe soon bilhin nya uli ung chewing gum na yun. It maybe not his favorite anymore. Atleast, it`s still a part of him. I`d rather see him happy to be with someone else. Than see him in pain with me. It is not that easy to accept. But my door is always going to be open for friendship. And my love for him, will stay the same.

Suicide.

2006-12-14T18:35:00.000+08:00

ugh. i don`t know how to start. but i just want to say thank you to all my friends who was always there to support me. i know that your world won`t stop because of how i feel but still thank you for sparing time to listen to me and hand me advices. ike, mau, ruby you never failed in telling me to move on and just forget about everything because there is no point in crying every single day and i know that it`s not worth it. you opened a door for me and asked me to just walk through it and forget my dark past. i just didn`t, and i`m sorry for it. karen, mark, bernie, vik and joseph you guys made my worst days the best and even though i`m not in my best mood you still made me laugh. beth, bogz, kring, lotte and everybody else thanks for listening. robert, julius, ate pam and kuya allan thanks din. janine, we were never that close and i thought you will be just like any other little sister (i know that coz i am my kuya`s baby sister) but when you felt that i was not well, you still found time to say hi and told me that every thing will be ok. thanks for all the prayer guys.

but to be honest i don`t have enough strength to move on. whenever i find the courage to stand up and walk out from my past everything shatters back into pieces just when i`m about to reach the door. and it`s really painful.

to angel, thanks for being a part of my life. probably you don`t know how much i miss every single second that we spent together and how i regret for letting my "emotions" take me over. i understand that there won`t be another chance because my behaviour is really unacceptable. and i`m really sorry for it. i don`t really even know how it started and what happened but it`s the consequences for my actions and i have to face it. once again, thank you for being a part of my life.

i think, all has been said...

Giving Up.

2006-12-12T20:09:00.000+08:00

I`m giving up. I don`t find any reason to hold on. He doesn`t even say hi to me. It clearly shows that he doesn`t care anymore. And it hurts so much to think that he has just thrown away everything that we`ve been through and everything we`ve fought for. IT`S ALL JUST A THING OF THE PAST.

I don`t know how but I`ll try to forget everything. Even if it means intentionally making myself unconcious for the next 3 weeks, I will. I`d rather do that than emotionally torture myself and cry every single day for the rest of my life. And who knows that maybe when I wake up, there`s a bright light shining upon me and everything is going to be just all right. This path is not going to be easy, but at least I`m sure that at the end it`s all going to be worth it.

I remember telling myself these phrases yesterday:

"Para akong chewing gum. Nung ayaw na nya tinapon na lang nya tsaka kinalimutan."

Ang Sakit!

Broken.

2006-12-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

slow jams + vodka.

Trust me, it`s not a good combination. Last night I drowned myself into vodka hoping that it would wipe away the pains in me. But it didn`t. Instead, I cried more and more that I even tried to kill myself. The pain I am feeling is very unexplainable, I just don`t know how to handle it.

EDIT [7.57pm]

A few questions passed by my mind when I woke up.

- Bakit nya ako iniiwasan? Kala ko ba gusto nya ng maayos na break-up?
- Akala ko ba gusto nya mapag-isa? Bakit sinasabi ni Robert na nagkikita sila?
- Bakit ayaw nya pag-usapan yung naging problema namin?
- Bakit ayaw nyang makipagtulungan sakin para maayos uli lahat?

Is it really that easy for him to forget? Ganun na lang ba lahat ng pinagsamahan namin ng 1 whole year? Ganun na lang ba kadali para itapon lahat ng plans and dreams namin? Ganun na lang ba talaga kadali sa kanya para bitiwan yung relationship na pinaglalaban namin?

I need answers and I need him. If I only knew that this will happen I should`ve treated him like any other guy in my life. I never should`ve made myself fall for him so deep so I won`t be in this kind of pain. I should`ve prepared myself that I will lose him. I should`ve never given him all of me.

A Message

2006-12-09T02:34:00.000+08:00

siguro po by the time na mabasa mo toh ready ka na to talk to me. i was hoping for another chance, pero wala na yata talaga. so if ever you find the time, just call me.

just to let you know. you`re the only person that i thought of marrying and having kids with. and losing you was the worst thing that happened in my life. please wag mo po isipin that i`m trying to say something, it may look like it in one way but on the other hand i`m just letting you know how i feel.

sobrang biglaan yung nangyari satin. and i don`t blame you for feeling that way. i was a control freak and thought of nothing else but myself. i was so selfish, i am so sorry. i regret everything that i have done to you and i am so sorry. you were the best thing that ever happened to me and it will always be that way. i know that you can never ever see me as the same way as before but atleast lets be friends.

so... i`m sorry for giving you too much pressure. for asking too much from you and not appreciating everything that you did for me. naiinis ako sa sarili ko. ang manhid ko for not knowing that i`m hurting you so much. ang childish ko for asking too much and ang selfish ko for only thinking of how i feel. i would do anything to put things back to the way it was before. but it`s too late. kaya, i`m so sorry.

anyways, i want you to take care of yourself. wag ka masyadong magpapagod sa work. find time to have a good night sleep and rest well. pinapayat ka kasi ni toni eh. sa dami ng sakit ng ulo na binibigay nya sau. i still care for you a lot. and if ever you need me, i'll just be right here.

thank you for being a part of my life. thanks for being the best thing that has ever happened to me. ingat ka lagi.

Ongoing Battle?

2006-12-08T05:06:00.000+08:00

I just read this quote from somebody else's blog:

"Happiness is an ongoing battle."

If this means that I have to fight for it for the rest of my life. WHY NOT?

I know it`s not going to be easy. But every blood, tear and sweat that I am going to shed in this is going to be worth it.

I want to be happy with him? I`ll fight for it.

Past Posts

2006-12-08T04:38:00.000+08:00

Here are some of my past posts uhm actually my first two posts from my friendster blog.

Happy 13 Months Baby ko... :(

------------------------------------------------

December 6, 2006

HONESTY...

No matter how hard I try to pretend and say that I am ok. No matter how I try to pick my self up and start to move on. Everything shatters back into those tiny pieces where I started from. Yes, it`s true that I managed to live life without him but that was before I met him. That was before he showed me how great life could be and made me feel that I was special. If only I appreciated it, if only I never took him for granted. I would do everything to go back in time and fix things up with him. But it`s too late, it`s too late for everything. Now here I am crying my eyes out every single day hoping that he might call me and give our relationship one more chance. Which I clearly know that will not happen. I am such a loser for being so selfish, self centred and whatever you may want to call me.

Angel, I don`t know how will you react on this post. You know me, when I have no one else I type everything and shout it out loud in public. Just want to let you know how sorry I am for being self involved and cared for nobody else but me. Leaving you no choice but to hate me. I know that it`s too late for everything now, but I`m still waiting for that day that you will call me and tell me that you are still there for me. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I regret losing you. YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME and it will always be that way. And to whoever the next lucky girl in your life is going to be I know she`s going to take good care of you and treat you in a better way that I did. I`m so sorry for everything and I`m going to miss you so much.

This will be my last post concerning our relationship. I said everything that I had to say and all I have to do is wait for that reply. I`ll take it no matter how painful it is. That`s love isn`t it? It`s all about sacrificing and preparing yourself to get hurt just to make the other person happy.

------------------------------------------------

December 5, 2006

THE ART OF LETTING GO... BLAH!

Post deleted. Hah! I have nothing more to say. If I have to then I have to. There's no point of holding on when he will just throw you away. And there is no point in second chance if he will just treat you like a complete trash. I'm through with crying and begging that he might call me.

I`M OVER IT... And no matter how many times those leeches crawl back to bruise my healing wounds again. I'll stand up for myself and move on. No more crying.. No more broken hearts.

I'm alive and kicking once again!

Getting Ready

2006-11-30T17:51:00.000+08:00

ayun! i`m preparing myself on the very very very long post that i`m planning to do. it`s kinda more of an article thingy about my goodbyes, thanks and those stuffs to angel... i`m very much ready to move on!

anyways, i was just reading my past 3 posts and recognized the dates.. and to my surprise the dates were like really really close to each other.. the first post was the 10th of november when i was kinda avoiding him so he will miss me and also prevent myself from demanding waaaay waaaay too much from him... then the 2nd post was the 12th... when we broke up... i can't believe that in just mere 2 days everything changed and now we haven't spoken for a week... and for the record our break-up is nearly 3 weeks and it's killing me really bad...

anyways, as i said... i`m very much ready to move on... my parents made me realise that there is more to life than having someone cuddling you around... and i have tons of friends to support me... atleast now i don`t feel neglected... MASAYA NA AKO!

One Long Day

2006-11-16T05:00:00.000+08:00

I finally woke up and realised that I don't have to mess up my life all just because of him... Although I am in grief and still trying to move on from our huge fight, I still managed to pick myself up and go to college... This day really went long and the usual things seems to just go on and on... But still I survived it...

My classmates kinda realised that I'm not in my best condition today and that my eyes doesn't look as cheerful as it is before... It's sweet but I'm not buying it, so I just simply told them that I was fine and in a good manner of course...

I wasn't really in the mood to do anything today, so I just went home early... But like 2 stops away from our house I called Mark and asked him if we could hang out but he was busy... So yeh, I just went home then checked who's online, checked my e-mails... And went straight to bed...

Why Does It Have To Be This Way?

2006-11-12T17:14:00.000+08:00

just yesterday morning we were fine... we were cuddling each other, kissing and seems like very much in love... but just 20 minutes later after that, it's all gone...

he told me that he doesn't want to hurt me.

(if you don't, then stay...)
he told me that i cannot accept his situation.

(why don't he let me in?)
he told me that our relationship would fail once he go back to the philippines. (if you really love me, it's worth a try...)

i didn't understand him at all... everything he said didn't make sense... we're in a relationship and we should be fighting in that situation together...

Good Morning

2006-11-10T18:38:00.000+08:00

'gudmorning toni ko...' nyak! i hope so. i haven't heard from him since last midnight when he asked me to call him after his work. i don't know what i'm doing, but i'm trying my best to stay as far away as i can to give him space and avoid hurting myself. if he does not make any effort in getting in touch with me and winning me back, it's definitely over. he just clearly proved that he doesn't care for me, at all.

anyways, i got coursework due on monday and tuesday. and i haven't even done anything. not even a single bit of it. i better start working on it now.