May different stages daw on how to accept a loss. Sa`kin parang napagdaanan ko na lahat. Pero kahit isang hakbang hindi pa din ako nakakausad. 3 buwan na nakakalipas, pero eto pa din ako nakakulong, nagmumukmok, umiiyak at nasasaktan. Parang yung sugat imbis na gumaling lalong lumalalim. (aba! rhyme pah) Inggit na inggit ako sa kanya, kasi sya nakakapgsaya ng walang iniisip. Pero ako, lalabas ako magpapakasaya kasama yung mga dati kong kaibigan, pero pagkatapos hahanapin ko sya. ayan nanaman, tutulo na ang mga luha.

Pagkatapos nun, mawawalan ako ng gana, ikukulong ko nanaman sarili ko sa loob ng bahay. At yun! Balik nanaman sa umpisa. Para akong tanga. Ay hindi, tanga na talaga. Hindi ko alam bakit hanggang ngayon, tatlong buwan na yung nakalipas, umaasa pa din ako na babalik sya, na isang araw, kakatok sya sa pintuan namin, nakangiti at sasabihin nya na magiging maayos na uli ang lahat.

Lahat na ng klase ng kasabihan na pwede kong marinig na narinig ko na. Para lang patatagin ako, para lang paniwalain ko sarili ko na meron pa. SINO NILOLOKO KO?! Sarili ko... Kasi bulag na bulag ako sa katotohanan. Pikit mata akong umaasa na babalik pa sya kahit siya na mismo ang nagtulak at nagtaboy sa akin.

Isa na lang ang hiling ko. Sabihin nya sakin kung bakit. Gusto ko malaman yung totoong dahilan bakit lahat lahat bigla na lang nagbago.

(Hay.. ayan ka nanaman Antonette, nagddrama ka nanaman. Ano ba dapat mong gawin, para tumigil ka na at bumangon ka na jan sa hukay mo.)








Snowfall!

I haven't had any sleep yet I was just watching movies all night. It's really annoying because I haven't had any goodnight sleep for the past 7 weeks. I usually sleep at 4 or 5am or even worse not sleep at all.

Anyways, when my Mom woke up I looked through the window. And there it was the heaviest snowfall that London has for years. I had plans today but changed my mind not to go. It seems weird taking pictures on the snow with Joseph since he's not really that type of cheesy person. So Instead of spending the day in Upton Park I just did this.

Sat by the window and thought about weird things. Hay, life can be so depressing when you're out here.








Arghh. I hate this. I have nothing else to do, Sit at home watch tv, go online, talk to Joseph for like 5 minutes then watch Friends (good thing they have 10 seasons, so I don't get bored watching them over and over again) wait for the new episodes of One Tree Hill, The OC and Heroes. now I'm thinking about including Charmed into my long long list of TV Series. AHHHH! I can't wait until it's April or at the very least March. It seems like years from now. I just want to get out of this place be with my old friends again. The people who I grew up with, the people who knew me since I was little, the people who were there for me and saw me at my best and at my worst. The people who know me well to understand how I'm feeling right now, the people who are willing to stop their world just to support me.

Each day I see myself at my very worst (physically & emotionally): my hair all messed up, my pale face and the dark circles under my eyes. Then I'll miss dressing up, going out and having fun. I want to go out, but where do I go? Everyone is busy, everyone has their own lives and they wont stop their world just to be with me. I feel so alone, it sucks to be alone.

I can't wait for that day where I'll be with the people I trust the most, the people who know me, the people who understands me. I can't wait to wake up and realise that I'm not alone anymore, I don't have to talk to myself anymore, I don't have to watch Friends just to pass my time and I don't have to cry alone. I CANT WAIT... to have that hapiness once again that you can't explain.