Hey blog how have you been? I haven't updated for quite a while now and I don't know why. I'm REALLY not busy, because all of you know that I am unemployed and I dropped out of college due to depression. But enough of that! Let's look at the bright side of things.

I just came from an interview for my US visa and I got accepted! Yay! The 4hr queue was really really worth it. Finally, I can visit my bestfriend whom I haven't seen for nearly 6 years now. I'll see my cousins again, be in Kuya Lloyd's wedding and if things go well by mid-April I'll be heading back home to the Philippines. And if I'm really lucky, I'll find a good enough college for me to start my studies again, all that is left to do is to get my parents to trust me again.

But still, from now till then my calendar is completely blank. I haven't got any other plans but stay home and as much as possible keep my mind away from things that will remind me of "him" or else it's going to be another long week of crying and drinking. It's really not that easy if he's just a few minutes away from you and everything around you connects to him. (And I just said enought about these things. Ugh! I hate myself when I do this.)

Ok, before I get carried away and write more stuff about me being so alone and so miserable I'll stop now...








Thank you.

Thank you for everything that you have done for me. Thank you for hurting me and making me feel like hell. Thank you for showing me what love is, and how badly it can hurt. Thank you for making me realize that no matter how much I loved you, you still didn't care. Thank you for loving me and leaving me empty and shattered.

Sorry.

Sorry for loving you so hard, it made you leave me. Sorry for taking care of you real well. Sorry for thinking that you will never leave me. Sorry for the things I can't do to make you happy. Sorry for not making you happy, but I did all that I could. Sorry for loving you more than I love myself. Sorry for losing everything I had. Sorry for being happy by your side. Sorry for building my whole life with you.

I love you.

I love you more than I thought I possibly could. I love you even though you didn't care and still don't. I loved you then, and I love you up to know. I love you even though it kills me seeing you with somebody. I love you and I just want you to be happy even if it's not with me. I love you and if ever things didn't work out for you, please come back to me. I love you and I'll wait for you. I love you and I still want to build my future with you. I love you.








As pathetic as it may sound. I still expect something from him. I still don't believe that he just threw everything away. Yes, the world may give me no damn reason to hold on and believe in what I feel but for now, that's what keeps me alive and that's what keeps me strong. I miss him, every single minute of each day and I crave for him. And still, I wait for that doorbell to ring and once again see him smiling back at me telling me that everything is going to be okay now.

People may not really see it, but I really wanted to move on. If you only know how much I hate myself from feeling those feelings that I wrote above. If there is only a book or even an instructional guide that would teach me step by step how to move on and what should I do, I won't care if it's as thick as Encyclopedia Brittanica or if you triple the NCLEX review book. I would be more than glad to read and learn it. Because right now, I could not even depend on myself. Everytime I walk out of our door, I find myself in random shops buying tons of pills and vodka or even worse, outside the his workplace staring at him from afar. :(

I'm not trying to kill/hurt myself because of him. I clearly know that it's not worth it. You guys made me realise that. I hurt myself because when I'm unconscious my I feel numb, I don't feel a thing and that's what I want. I'm too tired of crying, too tired of the heartache, too tired of figuring out what the real reason why my fish just jumped back into the sea and swam away, too tired trying to accept the truth.

I want to be better but I don't know where to start. Everytime I try to walk to that road, no matter which path I take, it all leads back to him. My world is so small, and it revolves around him.

Shamrock, Sana

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