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Saturday, 13 January 2007

Live. Love. Laugh. | 3:12:00 am |



As pathetic as it may sound. I still expect something from him. I still don't believe that he just threw everything away. Yes, the world may give me no damn reason to hold on and believe in what I feel but for now, that's what keeps me alive and that's what keeps me strong. I miss him, every single minute of each day and I crave for him. And still, I wait for that doorbell to ring and once again see him smiling back at me telling me that everything is going to be okay now.

People may not really see it, but I really wanted to move on. If you only know how much I hate myself from feeling those feelings that I wrote above. If there is only a book or even an instructional guide that would teach me step by step how to move on and what should I do, I won't care if it's as thick as Encyclopedia Brittanica or if you triple the NCLEX review book. I would be more than glad to read and learn it. Because right now, I could not even depend on myself. Everytime I walk out of our door, I find myself in random shops buying tons of pills and vodka or even worse, outside the his workplace staring at him from afar. :(

I'm not trying to kill/hurt myself because of him. I clearly know that it's not worth it. You guys made me realise that. I hurt myself because when I'm unconscious my I feel numb, I don't feel a thing and that's what I want. I'm too tired of crying, too tired of the heartache, too tired of figuring out what the real reason why my fish just jumped back into the sea and swam away, too tired trying to accept the truth.

I want to be better but I don't know where to start. Everytime I try to walk to that road, no matter which path I take, it all leads back to him. My world is so small, and it revolves around him.





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