Somethings are just too beautiful to let go.










ok so i`m a nerd coz i update my blog like every single day. also, i`m lifeless because there`s nothing else i do in my life but just sit here all day. because everyday there`s like a new feeling that grows inside me and i`m itching to get it out of my system. it`s painful but also at the same time it`s such a relief. painful in a way that i don`t get to spend each moment with him and just the thought of not sharing the rest of my life with him kills me. relief, because i know that he is happy now, he has a brighter future ahead of him and he can concentrate on his plans without "me" bothering him. i don`t care about anything else right now but his happiness, he`s been hurt so much when he was with me and he doesn`t need more. if i have to be the one to suffer and bleed for him I WILL BE GLAD TO DO IT. he made me happy for one whole year and the pain that i`m feeling right now is nothing compared to what i gave him.

" I don't care if I'll be left alone... I'll be happy when he finds happiness, when he finds love... Even if it means i have to step away from his life... I'll love him but I will not wait for anything in return, just to love someone is enough... "

Trust me, it`s not a good combination. Last night I drowned myself into vodka hoping that it would wipe away the pains in me. But it didn`t. Instead, I cried more and more that I even tried to kill myself. The pain I am feeling is very unexplainable, I just don`t know how to handle it.

EDIT [7.57pm]

A few questions passed by my mind when I woke up.

- Bakit nya ako iniiwasan? Kala ko ba gusto nya ng maayos na break-up?
- Akala ko ba gusto nya mapag-isa? Bakit sinasabi ni Robert na nagkikita sila?
- Bakit ayaw nya pag-usapan yung naging problema namin?
- Bakit ayaw nyang makipagtulungan sakin para maayos uli lahat?

Is it really that easy for him to forget? Ganun na lang ba lahat ng pinagsamahan namin ng 1 whole year? Ganun na lang ba kadali para itapon lahat ng plans and dreams namin? Ganun na lang ba talaga kadali sa kanya para bitiwan yung relationship na pinaglalaban namin?

I need answers and I need him. If I only knew that this will happen I should`ve treated him like any other guy in my life. I never should`ve made myself fall for him so deep so I won`t be in this kind of pain. I should`ve prepared myself that I will lose him. I should`ve never given him all of me.








siguro po by the time na mabasa mo toh ready ka na to talk to me. i was hoping for another chance, pero wala na yata talaga. so if ever you find the time, just call me.

just to let you know. you`re the only person that i thought of marrying and having kids with. and losing you was the worst thing that happened in my life. please wag mo po isipin that i`m trying to say something, it may look like it in one way but on the other hand i`m just letting you know how i feel.

sobrang biglaan yung nangyari satin. and i don`t blame you for feeling that way. i was a control freak and thought of nothing else but myself. i was so selfish, i am so sorry. i regret everything that i have done to you and i am so sorry. you were the best thing that ever happened to me and it will always be that way. i know that you can never ever see me as the same way as before but atleast lets be friends.

so... i`m sorry for giving you too much pressure. for asking too much from you and not appreciating everything that you did for me. naiinis ako sa sarili ko. ang manhid ko for not knowing that i`m hurting you so much. ang childish ko for asking too much and ang selfish ko for only thinking of how i feel. i would do anything to put things back to the way it was before. but it`s too late. kaya, i`m so sorry.

anyways, i want you to take care of yourself. wag ka masyadong magpapagod sa work. find time to have a good night sleep and rest well. pinapayat ka kasi ni toni eh. sa dami ng sakit ng ulo na binibigay nya sau. i still care for you a lot. and if ever you need me, i'll just be right here.

thank you for being a part of my life. thanks for being the best thing that has ever happened to me. ingat ka lagi.








I just read this quote from somebody else's blog:


If this means that I have to fight for it for the rest of my life. WHY NOT?

I know it`s not going to be easy. But every blood, tear and sweat that I am going to shed in this is going to be worth it.

I want to be happy with him? I`ll fight for it.








Here are some of my past posts uhm actually my first two posts from my friendster blog.

Happy 13 Months Baby ko... :(

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December 6, 2006

HONESTY...

No matter how hard I try to pretend and say that I am ok. No matter how I try to pick my self up and start to move on. Everything shatters back into those tiny pieces where I started from. Yes, it`s true that I managed to live life without him but that was before I met him. That was before he showed me how great life could be and made me feel that I was special. If only I appreciated it, if only I never took him for granted. I would do everything to go back in time and fix things up with him. But it`s too late, it`s too late for everything. Now here I am crying my eyes out every single day hoping that he might call me and give our relationship one more chance. Which I clearly know that will not happen. I am such a loser for being so selfish, self centred and whatever you may want to call me.

Angel, I don`t know how will you react on this post. You know me, when I have no one else I type everything and shout it out loud in public. Just want to let you know how sorry I am for being self involved and cared for nobody else but me. Leaving you no choice but to hate me. I know that it`s too late for everything now, but I`m still waiting for that day that you will call me and tell me that you are still there for me. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I regret losing you. YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME and it will always be that way. And to whoever the next lucky girl in your life is going to be I know she`s going to take good care of you and treat you in a better way that I did. I`m so sorry for everything and I`m going to miss you so much.

This will be my last post concerning our relationship. I said everything that I had to say and all I have to do is wait for that reply. I`ll take it no matter how painful it is. That`s love isn`t it? It`s all about sacrificing and preparing yourself to get hurt just to make the other person happy.

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December 5, 2006

THE ART OF LETTING GO... BLAH!

Post deleted. Hah! I have nothing more to say. If I have to then I have to. There's no point of holding on when he will just throw you away. And there is no point in second chance if he will just treat you like a complete trash. I'm through with crying and begging that he might call me.

I`M OVER IT... And no matter how many times those leeches crawl back to bruise my healing wounds again. I'll stand up for myself and move on. No more crying.. No more broken hearts.

I'm alive and kicking once again!